Confrontation

It may come as a surprise to some of you that there is such a thing as good confrontation. No, I don't mean intervention, though I do believe this is an extremely important version of good confrontation; I am specifically talking about the type of confrontation that comes when you come to a crossroads with how you feel and someone else feels. I find this usually comes in the form of disagreement in conversation. An extraordinarily oversimplified version of this could be something like, Mac and Cheese tastes better with ketchup v.s. putting ketchup in Mac and Cheese defiles its deliciousness. I actually regularly think this when I listen to Gordon Ramsay say how something should be made and I wrinkle my nose in disgust, wondering how in the world such a thing could be better than the classic super-plain version. I, personally, feel this type of confrontation can generally begin and end on friendly terms, usually jokingly. I think of this as an empty confrontation because usually it isn't something we expect people to learn from, it is a statement of opinions and sometimes a couple "you're crazy!"-s. People's opinions don't change and people don't truly intend to change someone else's mind.

True, productive confrontation comes when two people disagree and are able to converse civilly despite what may be strong opinions and feelings. This kind of confrontation is extraordinarily important. Not only does it teach us what we may not understand our own opinions to be - perhaps we don't know as much as we think we do - but it also helps us see how others feel and think. Can tensions get high? Absolutely, but that doesn't mean civility can't be at the forefront.

When I come across something that I disagree with I try to be civil in my responses, especially if I feel it is something wrong. Sometimes I fail, and it is something I reflect on regularly. I ask myself why I said what I said, what my goal was and what it was going to accomplish. Many people who I vent to about the different situations have asked why I get involved. Why don't I ignore it? I'm not going to change their mind, so what's the point?

Two things come to mind when I am asked these kinds of questions:

1. Saying nothing is saying something.
2. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” (I'm unsure who the true author is, I'll have to research more on that.)

These things haunt me sometimes - causing me to go down this insane train of thought. If I know the truth and a falsehood is perpetuated as fact, am I not obligated to inform people of that truth? This, in turn, causes me to think that perhaps I should mind my own business, which then causes me to think, if people believe the falsehood, am I not doing a disservice to everyone who desires to know the truth? I then wonder whether or not it is my responsibility to share that truth, which then leads me question why I became educated, and continue to be educated, if I have no intention of helping the truth correct falsehoods. Keeping my knowledge to myself does no one any good and allows for the continuation of lies - that many people don't realize are lies - which often leads to the unjust actions of others, whether in the form of hate or otherwise. 

I will admit that there are times when I want to confront someone about a statement or an issue, for the sole purpose of reminding them they are incorrect and perpetuating false information. At that point I have two choices: 1. Tell them exactly what I think about it/them, or 2. Determine the change I am trying to make such as:

• Am I trying to tell them they are idiots for the sake of making them feel bad? 
• Am I trying to help them understand the truth? 
• Am I doing this with malicious intent? 
• Am I doing this in defense of someone else?
• Am I trying to change their mind?
• Am I trying to help? 
• Am I trying to make a point? 
• Am I doing this for the sake of giving others contrary information so they are not misinformed? 

Depending on the answer, I have to decide if it is the right thing to do. If it is malicious, is it any better than the message I believe they are spreading? (The quote, "Truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies one can invent." comes to mind.) If it isn't malicious, what am I trying to accomplish? More often than not I find that I want to provide a different perspective, or give the actual truth (preventing in whatever way I can the perpetuation of falsehoods, no matter how innocent).

I firmly believe there can be no peace without understanding, and that understanding has to come with principles, which many people (unknowingly or not) lack. For example, when you look at an article or post about someone you hate or dislike, do you disregard the good and demonize the bad, yet excuse the same "bad" of someone you love? If you are angry about lies, you should be angry about all lies and if you are happy about charity work, you should be happy about all charity work, regardless of who it is. Think "what would I do or how would I feel if I were in this situation?" 

Because I feel so strongly about this concept I find it difficult not to call people out when they are hypocritical. I am not immune to this -  I have often found myself changing my mind because I confronted myself and asked myself that question. If I can change my mind with a question or analogy, won't that help others change their mind? In my experience thus far, sometimes it's a yes, sometimes it's a no, but usually there is a discussion had - which I believe is a good thing. Even if I change no one's mind, I've still learned something, both of myself and of another opinion (and about the person).

The biggest thing I struggle with is the idea that people who don't agree can't be friends. I struggle even more with the idea that you can't confront a friend about something that is going on. Of all the people who you should be confronting about something you feel strongly about, your friend should be pretty high on the list (like... number 2, under family). I think that your friend knows who you are, the type of person you are and whether or not they believe you to be a good person, and confrontation will either (if there is the right mindset) bring you closer together or push you farther apart. If it is the first, you understand more about each other and can sympathize better; I think the only reason the second should happen is if the discussion itself became vindictive, derogatory, or something along those lines. 

One experience I've thought about and reflect on regularly in my own life is someone I thought I could be open with. There were three of us that talked with each other daily. Person A, Person B and I talked about pretty much everything. Including things we didn't agree on. Person A had no problem expressing their dislike of my beliefs, though usually not directly (i.e.: these kind of people are horrible, etc.), and I tried to be understanding as to why they believed those things. Usually I would express my own feelings and let them know why someone might feel that way or completely agree that there are some people like that, but I don't think we can put blanket statements on people because of an experience with a few (easier said than done!). I tried to be incredibly inclusive with Person A. I tried to help them, love them, and be their friend - which again, I believe should include healthy confrontation.

Over time, however, our relationship became strained, which I admit was partially my own fault. Person A treated many things I did or said as wrong, even if it was my expertise. I was consistently left out and, as this tension grew, belittled. I felt ignored when I tried to bring up a conversation and skipped over when I tried to participate. I slowly grew to dislike this person. It didn't help that Person B was "neutral" (I don't believe there is such a thing as neutral, but that's a blog for another day) through out most of this. They didn't ignore me, but they didn't make an effort to include me either. I strongly believe that Person A was jealous of the relationship I had with Person B and I can definitely understand that, but I don't understand why it had to stay that way. Eventually our relationship turned into this weird catty passive aggressive... awkwardness. I was losing my patience. I knew it and yet I continued anyway because I didn't want to be left out of the group I tried so hard to bring together and most importantly, I didn't want to lose Person B, who was the person I thought was my best friend.

It all kind of fell apart, however, when I finally snapped at the hypocrisy that was spewing out of Person A's mouth. I chose to respond to a topic that I knew was extremely touchy because I wanted to stand up for what I believed and to show them what they were saying wasn't fair and quite frankly, unkind. They had been blunt about what I believed in the past, I felt like I should be able to express my feelings in the same manner. In the process, however, I felt insulted by something they said, called them out on it and then explained that what she was talking about was more bigoted than the thing she was complaining about. And that was it. I sent a private message to Person B, who doesn't like to participate in those kind of discussions, that I was sorry it got heated, and by the time I went to apologize to Person A for being so tactless, and that despite our differences I believe we could still be friends, I could no longer talk with this person. Not only did Person A leave the group, they blocked me. 

I felt... shocked and yet somehow relieved. I didn't have to think about it or worry about it any longer. I wasn't the one who quit and I tried to apologize and work something out. I had recognized that what our relationship had turned into was unhealthy for the both of us and I had wanted to talk it over and find some middle ground. We had been friends once, I was sure things would be fine - until I was no longer able to talk with them. Person A just gave up on, what I thought was, Person B and I. Person B decided to distance themselves from the both of us and I tried to understand, I can understand not wanting to be between two friends. I didn't know what else to do, so I tried to go back to how things were before it all blew up. I didn't realize, however, that no one was going to be responding: Person A was gone and Person B didn't want to talk to either of us. When I asked if everything was okay, they reiterated their desire to keep their distance and I said how much I'd like to just keep being friends and talk like we had, like nothing had ever happened. They told me they didn't know how to pretend when Person A and I weren't talking anymore. I got that, I get that, but I felt... abandoned.

As I mentioned, I think conflict can be good. Which is why I reached out to Person A and attempted to work through whatever we had going on between us. Maybe if we understood each other and why we felt the way we did, we could go back to being friends. That wasn't an option anymore. I reached out to Person B and was told they wanted their distance.  Despite my efforts, I ended up being alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I should stop saying my mind. I wonder if I should just shut up and let people live in their own world filled with what might be misinformation and lies. If I stop talking about the uncomfortable truth would that make things different for me? Would I stop losing friends? Would people be happier being angry believing the lies that may come their way?

Most people say they would prefer to hear a painful truth than a kind lie. But I don't believe it. After being lied to, finding out that people didn't actually like me, being talked about behind my back, and realizing people didn't actually care, I find it incredibly difficult to believe that people want to know the truth. The truth is often painful, but at least it's real. When you know how someone feels you're able understand and empathize with them, you can grow to trust them. Of course, that also means that there will be hard times, trying to work through disagreements and difficult discussions.

Disagreements do not mean drama. Disagreements do not mean hate. Disagreements do not mean the end of a friendship. What kind of life would you be living if everyone was happy and there were no problems? How can you grow? How can you change? How can you learn? Of course I wish that we could live in a happy world without problems, but that's not how the world works.

After it all, the discomfort, the pain, the loneliness, the feeling of abandonment, I wouldn't change how I feel about conflict because it changes who I am and, if I let it, makes me a better person. I know I have flaws, far too many to count, and there isn't anything I can do about them but try every day to be better than I was yesterday. I need that conflict to change my mind or solidify my views. I need the conflict to be that better person. 

How different would my relationship be with Person A and Person B if we had that healthy confrontation? I tried to resolve the conflict with Person A and wasn't able to, instead resentment grew. I tried, so hard, for so long, to recreate the relationship I had with Person B before everything happened, only to realize that I cannot recreate a relationship on my own. A lack of confrontation damaged our relationship because painful truth, that comes with open and honest conversation, was passed off as unnecessary drama. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Each of our relationships with others, friends or not, will and should inevitably have conflict. Our world needs people who are willing to confront others when necessary, create that health conflict, and accept that there is a compromise to be had. We each need to recognize that our imperfections will cause problems, that's to be expected, and that when someone confronts us, it is our choice to decide how we will take it. Let's be those people who listen, reflect, and learn. Let's be those people who are willing to work out their problems with others, who are willing to see things from another point of view, who are willing to agree to disagree.

Create a healthier relationships by confronting others when necessary and accept the flaws you might have so that you can change your weaknesses, becoming a better friend and person.