Why My Husband Is Perfect For Me [part 1]
I know, I know, you are immediately asking yourself, "Come on, seriously? Self, we already know Bill is perfect, so what does she mean he's perfect for her?" Great question! I will explain.
A story like this deserves the cliche fairy tale beginning:
Once upon a time...... a little girl dreamt of the love of her life. Literally. Over the years he changed in looks, profession, personality, and even nationality. I think my favourite ridiculous iteration of my "dream man" was a tall, British accented, Asian Batman, minus the vigilante-ness. It was quite absurd, but hey, it was a dream during a time when being rich, spending all our time with my family, listening to what was, at the time, my favourite accent all the time and never ever working, ever, sounded like the greatest thing one could ask for. Of course this Batman person would love cats, be a great driver, and have a great sense of fashion for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
In reality, it was clear from my choice of boyfriends over the years I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. I had been in a relationship with all sorts of different guys: the athletic, the goth, the "bad boy," the hipster, the foreigner, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Looking back it's just... ridiculous. I was searching for someone who would like me as much as I liked them and I failed. Over and over and over. Bad relationships, good relationships, super awkward ones that I forget actually happened; I just wanted to have that connection with someone. I wanted to be wanted. By the time I reached my junior year of high school, I came to the conclusion that it must just be men; men are incapable of loving the same way women love. Very few men love a woman the same way a woman will love him; and some might actually say that is true. Ultimately all that way of thinking did was cause me to feel discouraged, but I didn't give up! I kept "searching," I kept going, and kept getting into relationships, albeit at a much slower pace.
There was no doubt I was so extraordinarily jaded and when I reached college, I felt like I was incapable of finding anyone, so when I did think I found someone, I let my hopes rise to an irresponsible amount and found myself to be sorely disappointed when the entirety of the "officiality" of it lasted from the time we decided to be in a relationship to the time I got home, a grand total of twenty minutes. Impressive, I know, I was such a catch that the one person I persuaded to like me enough to admit it to people changed their mind the moment I left. My self-esteem was definitely soo high at that point....
Here's the thing though, I overlooked things that were serious warning signs, that should have turned me away, that should have completely and utterly repulsed me, but they didn't. I mean, if you ask any of my friends or family, they would tell you, "I don't know what she was thinking, that guy [insert serious flaw here]." Heck I overlooked things like them ignoring me, standing me up, and even forgetting my name. It was so sad and pathetic now that I look back.
All that being said, I did learn. I learned that I didn't want to play around or spend my time wanting someone who clearly didn't want me. I read "He's Just Not That Into You" multiple times, referring to it to explain what was wrong with my thoughts and ideas. I'm not kidding when I say that was my favourite book for a long time. I grew stronger and smarter and I put aside the ridiculous mindset I had that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, or whatever enough for someone to like or be interested in me. I finally understood that if they didn't put the effort in me, they weren't worth my effort. Of course I would then determine that I needed to go on a mission and forego dating all together (and after so much work too!) until after I got home.
My little brother, Ethan, had different plans though; he was determined to set me up with this guy he was testing for his black belt with. I rolled my eyes and then secretly went to the marital arts studio to creep on this mysterious guy, "Bill." I saw him from a distance and that's about the extent I knew of him by the time we were set up on a blind date. We hit it off almost right away. He wasn't scared by the intensity of my anger when people were being rude to my brother (it was a triple date), in fact he was right there with me as we took it to the management of the laser tag place. Ah, true love... of sweet justice. Since I had determined to go on a mission, I had quit my job and had plenty of time to do things like, oh, I don't know, hang out at every single martial arts activity Ethan was at and Bill just so happened to be at. So we had a couple more fun activity times to chat, hang out, and talk about Japan, because he served at the mission I was about to go to. I thought about whether or not I wanted to leave on my mission or pursue things with Bill and, after much prayer, I felt that I shouldn't worry about it. I knew I felt deeply impressed to go on my mission, so I had no choice but to convince Bill I was awesome enough to wait for. Bill knew what it was like to be on a mission and look forward to letters so I told him to write me and he did!
We wrote back and forth for a year and a half, slowly getting to know each other better, our feelings growing and reaching the point where he decided he was going to wait for me to get home from my mission so we could date. I sent him regular subliminal messaging in the form of things like purikura (photo booth picture.... things) with hearts and love you-s on them, stationary with cute lovey dovey sayings on them, a fun picture of Han and Leia kissing mixed in with other Star Wars pictures I got from random candies (I'm so clever). It also helped that I put [heart]/ Tia at the end of all my letters. We had even explored the possibility of getting married should things work out between us when I got home. If you read my last post, you know this, of course, is most definitely not what happened.
During the four years of self exploration, I regularly thought about Bill. Not only did I know my family absolutely love him, but they reminded me randomly that I should go on a date with him again. I'd complain about my love life, or the lack thereof, and they would say things like, "Well what about Bill?" It would make me mad every time. I felt guilty about what I'd done. I was sure he hated me, and I didn't blame him, I had made him wait for me, then almost immediately turned him down. I was terrified I would try again and it wouldn't work out. I knew I missed him, or at the very least the idea of him, given that he likely had changed over the years, but I didn't want to hurt him again. More than anything I didn't want to hurt him, because I know I had hurt him deeply.
Then one fateful night (Christmas Eve 2017) I dreamt about Bill and when I woke up I desperately wanted to talk to him, at the very least apologize for what I had done, for the way I had done it, and the way things ended between us.
After almost 4 years of not talking to each other, here was how our conversation went (I copied and pasted, because thank goodness for messenger!):
No response. "I knew it," I thought in my absolutely irrational panic mode mind, "He must hate me." Interestingly enough Ethan messaged me the same day and asked what I thought about hanging out with Bill sometime with a group of people. I explained that I had messaged him and received no response and Ethan said he was sure it wasn't because he hated me, but because he was busy. I chose to doubt him because I was terrified it was true and the anxiety of waiting for a response that might come, vs knowing one would never come was.... a lot. Then, suddenly...
We didn't chat again until February 7th. During the time between our date and then, I had thought a lot about what I wanted, where I wanted to go, whether or not I was brave enough to try again and whether or not things would even work out between us, but the thought that kept coming to my head was, "He will treat you better than anyone in the world," and I knew it was true. Finally I gained the courage to message him about it:
While this epiphany scared me, it also excited me. I had been going on quite a few dates recently and none of them were anywhere close to this feeling. People had always told me "you just know," and I didn't believe them. How could something so silly be true? But there I was, knowing. I knew I wanted our relationship to go somewhere, I knew I wanted to be with him, but after all this time I was afraid of marriage, so I thought, "We can take it slow, get to know each other and then maybe a year or so from now, we can think about marriage." As you will soon read, that was most definitely not what happened.
Well as some of you know, I'm not a very patient person, I wanted to know exactly how he felt about me and I wanted to know where he thought we could go in a relationship. Of course the best way to find out is to randomly kiss them while playing a video game, so that's exactly what I did, after which I told him I still loved him. The next day we chatted via messenger and then talked on the phone. The number one thing I dreaded when I was dating someone was talking on the phone, and yet, I wanted to talk to him over the phone, I wanted to hear his voice, his laugh, and just... everything.
Bill made me feel comfortable and safe, I didn't feel judged, I didn't feel anxious or worried about whether or not I was going to say something stupid, I felt calm and happy. For the first time in my entire life I felt like I could be myself.
Continue to part 2
A story like this deserves the cliche fairy tale beginning:
Once upon a time...... a little girl dreamt of the love of her life. Literally. Over the years he changed in looks, profession, personality, and even nationality. I think my favourite ridiculous iteration of my "dream man" was a tall, British accented, Asian Batman, minus the vigilante-ness. It was quite absurd, but hey, it was a dream during a time when being rich, spending all our time with my family, listening to what was, at the time, my favourite accent all the time and never ever working, ever, sounded like the greatest thing one could ask for. Of course this Batman person would love cats, be a great driver, and have a great sense of fashion for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
In reality, it was clear from my choice of boyfriends over the years I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. I had been in a relationship with all sorts of different guys: the athletic, the goth, the "bad boy," the hipster, the foreigner, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Looking back it's just... ridiculous. I was searching for someone who would like me as much as I liked them and I failed. Over and over and over. Bad relationships, good relationships, super awkward ones that I forget actually happened; I just wanted to have that connection with someone. I wanted to be wanted. By the time I reached my junior year of high school, I came to the conclusion that it must just be men; men are incapable of loving the same way women love. Very few men love a woman the same way a woman will love him; and some might actually say that is true. Ultimately all that way of thinking did was cause me to feel discouraged, but I didn't give up! I kept "searching," I kept going, and kept getting into relationships, albeit at a much slower pace.
There was no doubt I was so extraordinarily jaded and when I reached college, I felt like I was incapable of finding anyone, so when I did think I found someone, I let my hopes rise to an irresponsible amount and found myself to be sorely disappointed when the entirety of the "officiality" of it lasted from the time we decided to be in a relationship to the time I got home, a grand total of twenty minutes. Impressive, I know, I was such a catch that the one person I persuaded to like me enough to admit it to people changed their mind the moment I left. My self-esteem was definitely soo high at that point....
Here's the thing though, I overlooked things that were serious warning signs, that should have turned me away, that should have completely and utterly repulsed me, but they didn't. I mean, if you ask any of my friends or family, they would tell you, "I don't know what she was thinking, that guy [insert serious flaw here]." Heck I overlooked things like them ignoring me, standing me up, and even forgetting my name. It was so sad and pathetic now that I look back.
All that being said, I did learn. I learned that I didn't want to play around or spend my time wanting someone who clearly didn't want me. I read "He's Just Not That Into You" multiple times, referring to it to explain what was wrong with my thoughts and ideas. I'm not kidding when I say that was my favourite book for a long time. I grew stronger and smarter and I put aside the ridiculous mindset I had that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, or whatever enough for someone to like or be interested in me. I finally understood that if they didn't put the effort in me, they weren't worth my effort. Of course I would then determine that I needed to go on a mission and forego dating all together (and after so much work too!) until after I got home.
My little brother, Ethan, had different plans though; he was determined to set me up with this guy he was testing for his black belt with. I rolled my eyes and then secretly went to the marital arts studio to creep on this mysterious guy, "Bill." I saw him from a distance and that's about the extent I knew of him by the time we were set up on a blind date. We hit it off almost right away. He wasn't scared by the intensity of my anger when people were being rude to my brother (it was a triple date), in fact he was right there with me as we took it to the management of the laser tag place. Ah, true love... of sweet justice. Since I had determined to go on a mission, I had quit my job and had plenty of time to do things like, oh, I don't know, hang out at every single martial arts activity Ethan was at and Bill just so happened to be at. So we had a couple more fun activity times to chat, hang out, and talk about Japan, because he served at the mission I was about to go to. I thought about whether or not I wanted to leave on my mission or pursue things with Bill and, after much prayer, I felt that I shouldn't worry about it. I knew I felt deeply impressed to go on my mission, so I had no choice but to convince Bill I was awesome enough to wait for. Bill knew what it was like to be on a mission and look forward to letters so I told him to write me and he did!
We wrote back and forth for a year and a half, slowly getting to know each other better, our feelings growing and reaching the point where he decided he was going to wait for me to get home from my mission so we could date. I sent him regular subliminal messaging in the form of things like purikura (photo booth picture.... things) with hearts and love you-s on them, stationary with cute lovey dovey sayings on them, a fun picture of Han and Leia kissing mixed in with other Star Wars pictures I got from random candies (I'm so clever). It also helped that I put [heart]/ Tia at the end of all my letters. We had even explored the possibility of getting married should things work out between us when I got home. If you read my last post, you know this, of course, is most definitely not what happened.
During the four years of self exploration, I regularly thought about Bill. Not only did I know my family absolutely love him, but they reminded me randomly that I should go on a date with him again. I'd complain about my love life, or the lack thereof, and they would say things like, "Well what about Bill?" It would make me mad every time. I felt guilty about what I'd done. I was sure he hated me, and I didn't blame him, I had made him wait for me, then almost immediately turned him down. I was terrified I would try again and it wouldn't work out. I knew I missed him, or at the very least the idea of him, given that he likely had changed over the years, but I didn't want to hurt him again. More than anything I didn't want to hurt him, because I know I had hurt him deeply.
Then one fateful night (Christmas Eve 2017) I dreamt about Bill and when I woke up I desperately wanted to talk to him, at the very least apologize for what I had done, for the way I had done it, and the way things ended between us.
After almost 4 years of not talking to each other, here was how our conversation went (I copied and pasted, because thank goodness for messenger!):
Tia (11 am): Hey, I know it's been ages, but I wanted to apologize for how things went between us. When I got home I... just lost it. I was extremely depressed, dealing with severe anxiety and everything just died, but it really isn't an excuse for the way I treated you. I'm really really sorry. I hope you are doing well.
Bill: [sees message... no response]
No response. "I knew it," I thought in my absolutely irrational panic mode mind, "He must hate me." Interestingly enough Ethan messaged me the same day and asked what I thought about hanging out with Bill sometime with a group of people. I explained that I had messaged him and received no response and Ethan said he was sure it wasn't because he hated me, but because he was busy. I chose to doubt him because I was terrified it was true and the anxiety of waiting for a response that might come, vs knowing one would never come was.... a lot. Then, suddenly...
Bill (3 pm): Sorry for not responding sooner, I just got off work. But I want to say thank you and that it's all good. I'm a big believer in 'what happened, happened and could have happened no other way'. I've been able to do and learn so much the last few years and am thankful I had the chance to do so. I believe The Lord had a plan and knew what I needed more than did. So at the end of the day I wouldn't be who I am today were it not for what happened, so thank you. And I understand I couldn't have been easy for you either, I'm sorry if I caused you any undue stress, anxiety or pain during everything as well.
Tia: You're okay, I honestly wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't respond at all. But I'm grateful you have the perspective you do, I feel the same way, but I've felt bad about it for years; I just didn't want to bother you about it. I just really wanted to chat with you.Aaaaand we kept talking, catching up on everything that had happened over the past few years and just... getting to know each other again. We ended the conversation with:
Tia: Well, Merry Christmas! I hope it is amazing and that we can chat again soon
Bill: Merry Christmas to you as well. And I'm looking forward to it.The next time we talked was about a month later (Jan 28) when we were on a (triple) date together. It was.... weird... seeing him again, but we had a lot of fun and despite my weirdness on the date, we were able to chat about things like normal human beings, which meant a lot to me. I sent him a picture of an actor I was trying to find the name for, because it was driving me absolutely insane, and we talked for a while over messenger about it.
 |
| Photographic evidence of epic re-dateness |
We didn't chat again until February 7th. During the time between our date and then, I had thought a lot about what I wanted, where I wanted to go, whether or not I was brave enough to try again and whether or not things would even work out between us, but the thought that kept coming to my head was, "He will treat you better than anyone in the world," and I knew it was true. Finally I gained the courage to message him about it:
Tia: Hey! I've been wanting to talk to you for like... a week now, but life has been a huge bundle of insanity. But I was hoping I could chat with you, if you have a minute... or 5?(Skipping a bit...)
Bill: Yeah, I will have 5 in 5, currently I'm at the studio but class will end here in just a minute.
Tia: I really enjoyed the escape room/cold stone/convincing Ethan to shave/keep his beard the other day. Well... like two weeks ago? I don't even know anymore. And I'd really like to get to know you again.... If you're up for it?From there we talked about when we could meet (Saturday Feb 10) and when (4-ish) and just chatted forever and ever. It was marvelous. When Saturday finally came, I stopped at Walmart and picked up some stuff, some random guy asked me for my number, which I gave to him since I didn't know how things were going to go between Bill and I and then headed home to clean up and wait for him to arrive. When he finally did arrive I told him I'd come outside so he knew what apartment was the right one and as I came out of my apartment I saw him walking up the stairs... and I knew. I knew I still loved him, that I wanted to be with him, and that he was freaking gorgeous.
Bill: Sure
Tia: I really hope this doesn't sound nuts, but I want to keep whatever we do between us. Mostly because my family loves your guts and they are going to be jumping to every conclusion on the planet and I want to get to know you without worrying about anything.
Bill: Sounds like a good idea lol I understand that completely
Tia: Thank you, seriously.
While this epiphany scared me, it also excited me. I had been going on quite a few dates recently and none of them were anywhere close to this feeling. People had always told me "you just know," and I didn't believe them. How could something so silly be true? But there I was, knowing. I knew I wanted our relationship to go somewhere, I knew I wanted to be with him, but after all this time I was afraid of marriage, so I thought, "We can take it slow, get to know each other and then maybe a year or so from now, we can think about marriage." As you will soon read, that was most definitely not what happened.
Well as some of you know, I'm not a very patient person, I wanted to know exactly how he felt about me and I wanted to know where he thought we could go in a relationship. Of course the best way to find out is to randomly kiss them while playing a video game, so that's exactly what I did, after which I told him I still loved him. The next day we chatted via messenger and then talked on the phone. The number one thing I dreaded when I was dating someone was talking on the phone, and yet, I wanted to talk to him over the phone, I wanted to hear his voice, his laugh, and just... everything.
Bill made me feel comfortable and safe, I didn't feel judged, I didn't feel anxious or worried about whether or not I was going to say something stupid, I felt calm and happy. For the first time in my entire life I felt like I could be myself.
Continue to part 2
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