What I Learned From My Ignorance

As a fifteen year old I believed I knew what it felt like, insisted it's what I was experiencing and dealing with. What I didn't understand was that depression was so much more than just being sad. It was more than just wanting a different life and different outcome, more than even the unintentional selfishness that often accompanied the emotions I was feeling. But I believed it to be those things.

My life completely changed when I decided to go on a mission. Though I didn't know it, and wouldn't know it for at least 6 more years, my life was finally falling into place. Many things happened when I made that decision. Some of those things include:

1. Meeting the love of my life (another story for another day)
2. Learning that forgiving myself was as important as the hope of forgiveness
3. Learning the joy of quitting my job, for good
4. Learning to give up some comforts for the sake of a greater good
5. Learning to trust in God more than I ever had before 

While the experience itself was one of the best experiences I've ever had, and I'm sure I ever will have, I had been missing something. My ignorance stopped me from seeing the signs of depression. 

When you're on a mission, your purpose is clear. Some missions even have you recite it every morning, like mine did, giving you a constant reminder of why you were where you were, doing what you were doing and spending the time spent. It's easy to remember what you have to do when it's a simple phrase being repeated every morning, it's even easier when you feel the obligation to accomplish the things you set out to finish. 

Despite the simplicity of the purpose, there was no simplicity in the actual accomplishment of that purpose. Every day was hoping you were doing the right thing at the right time, knowing that there was so much you had to do in order to be prepared for what was put in your path. It sounds crazy to some people, but understanding what would make you worthy of the inspiration was extraordinarily important to me. I knew I needed to try to acquire traits I lacked, particularly patience. I knew even more that I needed to focus on my purpose more than I was focusing on everything else I was thinking about. It was so hard, I failed over and over and I wished desperately I could just go home and never go back, but every time I thought those things I'd remember what my dad told me over and over through the years, "Rise above it," and I would keep going. 

On multiple occasions I wished desperately I could get sick so I could just rest for a day, sleep for a couple more hours, or at the very least feel like I could catch my breath, but for better or for worse, I stayed healthy enough to work. What I didn't know was just how sick I truly was. I was regularly irritated at and by everyone, especially myself (largely because I knew it was irrational and stupid). I wanted to go back to our apartment, all the time, desperate for a break. I was so tired, so freaking tired. I wanted... something more. 

All of that being said, I made so many wonderful memories, with so many wonderful people. I miss them and think of them regularly, but I can't help but wish some of my interactions with others would have been different. The irritation was definitely the worst part, I was constantly fighting with myself and fighting the urge to lash out or complain. I had multiple conversations with my companions where they asked me if I was angry with them. I reminded myself I wasn't truly mad or irritated with them, it was in my head and I knew it wasn't their fault.

One of the biggest struggles I experienced was just the fact that I had no one to talk to. At least no one I could talk to on a regular basis about how I was feeling or how I was doing. I emailed my mission president, my family, and my "boyfriend*" (whether he knew that's what he was at the time or not), but I could only do that once a week. Other people had leadership they could talk to whenever they needed, but the only leadership I had were men since I was the sister training leader for our zone, and I didn't feel like I could talk to men, younger than me, about my problems. I felt like I needed to be stronger than I was and never told my mission president, or anyone else, about how I was actually feeling, so I stayed how I was. 

I thought these feelings of frustration, anger, and overall dissatisfaction would go away if I worked harder and became a better person than I was. It wasn't until I returned home that I realized there was something so much worse going on. I spent so much time, hoping that if I just learned these Christlike attributes, these feelings would go away, I would be more loving, patient, hopeful, charitable, etc. and I wouldn't have to fight with myself anymore. 

I needed the comforts of home and ability to relax before I understood what I was actually dealing with. I needed the lack of purpose and the necessity of making my own life decisions to realize I was more than just the flawed person I perceived myself to be. 

Within the first few weeks I had broken up with my "boyfriend." I explained it to him the best way I could, "Before I left, everything was in a neat box, everything I wanted was there and stayed in that box, but when I came home I opened the box and realized I didn't understand what was inside." I had a vacation with my parents planned and had plenty of time to find a job, go to school and actually do something serious, so I thought I was heading in the right direction. After I started my first job, I realized I was living a life with no purpose. Strange things at work started happening and I searched for a new job, finding one at my current job, and starting school soon thereafter. 

As I worked and went to school I continued to struggle with my purpose, or what I felt was a lack thereof. Why was I here? Was it just to get a job to work at until I die? I knew there was more to life than that, I had taught it for nearly two years, and yet, there I was, wondering what my purpose was, fighting what I knew with what I felt. I got good grades, I did well with work, and yet, I was so numb, all the time. Again, all my thoughts went to, "What am I doing, why am I here, what is the point?" I felt worthless, hopeless, and I finally realized, I needed help. 

I went to therapy and realized it helped me a little bit, but the thought of paying $70/session was a bit daunting and it felt... wrong. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and was put on medication to help. It helped a bit, but I still struggled. 

Years passed and I learned new things about myself. My parents helped me tremendously by letting me move into their condo with my pets, and eventually I realized I needed to find my purpose. I needed something to love and something to love me back. Kumi, my dog, was lovely, but not very loving, at no fault of her own, she was just very... anti-cuddles. Fritz and Koc, my cats, were loving, but they were cats, they didn't jump for joy when they saw me, they couldn't go out on walks with me, or drive to the store or any of those things. I thought about it long and hard and found Maebh, my German Shepherd/Australian Shepherd mix. She was exactly what I needed. She loved me, she got me out and moving, she was my purpose. 

I found the strength to be okay with who I was, where I was going, and I accepted what I couldn't control. I got better. Less than 4 months later I had reconnected with my "ex-boyfriend" and life made sense. The journey made sense. 

Looking back, there is not one moment I would change, nothing I would take back, nothing I would try again. The tough times, the good times, the times I wanted to give up, I would do it all the same, knowing where I would end up and who I would become. 

I learned more over the past 6 years about myself than my entire life up until this point. On my mission, my ignorance allowed me to deal with and overcome my depression. I learned from my ignorance, that I didn't have to just be strong, I can find balance in my purpose and the help I receive. 

Depression may affect me, but it does not define me. I can, and will, be who I want to be despite the depression. 

My ignorance taught me I can do hard things, but I don't have to do it alone.