Why My Husband is Perfect for Me [Part 3 - Final]
Disclaimer: In the course of this post you'll learn a lot about me, a lot of which I'd prefer to keep to myself, but I know someone somewhere is dealing with the same thing I am, and just knowing you're not alone helps. Maybe you can learn from my experiences or feelings, but more than anything I hope we all learn from my husband, because while he may be an imperfect human being like everyone else, he is my perfect; and sometimes we need a little bit of someone else's perfect.
Now that you know the story of us, I can explain fully exactly why my husband is perfect for me. It's more than just "we found each other at the right time in the right place," it's everything about how we met, how we fell apart, how we came back together, and, now, how we live every day knowing there is no one else we would ever want to be with but each other. I don't doubt his love for me, or his dedication to me, nor does he doubt my love for or dedication to him.
I will be the first one to admit I'm full of flaws. Sometimes I get caught up in my flaws and wonder how in the world someone would want to be with me, this crazy, impatient, impulsive person. Combine that with the extreme bouts of depression and anxiety and I feel like I'm the worst. I've experienced people being angry or impatient with me when I'm feeling depressed or anxious, criticizing me for my lack of happiness despite my blessings or telling me it's stupid to feel anxious about something as simple as going to an activity. Their words echo in my mind, collaborating with my own dark thoughts to convince me that I'm worthless, "I have all these things and I can't even be happy about it, I can't even do something as simple as go to a party or celebration - how pathetic." It's not just during the bad times that these words and thoughts conspire against me, after feeling joy and happiness, thoughts like, "You don't deserve this, you're lazy, you're sad too often and a sad excuse for a person..." come though and try to tear away the good.
The worst part is when there are no thoughts at all. The better moments of thoughtlessness, I just sit and stare into the distance, feeling nothing, thinking nothing, just..... being; and while that may seem to be helpful, the moment I snap out of it, I'm reminded of all the time I just wasted. The bad moments I feel my heart racing, face flush, palms sweaty, and I don't know what's happening, my mind is blank but these feelings rush into me and it's when my eyes start welling up with tears that something slaps me out of it and I feel ashamed for crying, I just keep thinking "I just want to go home," over and over.
All of these things debilitate me. It's so difficult to move forward when you feel useless, worthless, empty, and a burden. Before Maebh, before Bill, I had one escape. I was alone, so so alone. I knew people cared about me, I knew they loved me, I knew they wanted to help me, but they would be fine if I was gone, they would be sad and eventually move on with their lives. In my mind no one truly needed me, but even more wretched than that, in my mind, was that if I asked for help I would be a burden, it would inconvenience someone to help me and I desperately wanted to be less of a burden than I thought I already was. The only way I could think of to be less of a burden was to not be at all.
The first step of my healing was thanks to Maebh. I knew she needed me and I needed to be needed, not hypothetically, but literally. I had Kumi, Koc, and Fritz but I knew people would take care of them if I was gone, but Maebh, that would be a huge burden on someone else, especially because she was a puppy. On top of that, I couldn't imagine anyone else taking her, I couldn't know how they, whoever got her in the end, would treat her and she was precious to me [insert Gollum here...]. As I mentioned in my first post, Maebh was my purpose, but just because she was my purpose, it didn't mean that I didn't still feel the negative effects of depression and anxiety, but it did take away my escape. I was strong enough to search for what I wanted most. Queue Bill.
My problems didn't suddenly disappear when Bill came, so I still felt like a damaged person. A damaged person who knew exactly what they wanted and needed. I was determined to do what it took to get Bill; I wanted to be a better person, someone worthy of his love and affection. Despite this, I didn't feel the pressure of being perfect, something I felt in my previous relationships. I was willing to talk about my mistakes, faults, negative experiences. It wasn't easy, but I knew I wanted to help him understand why I was damaged and flawed, why I am the way I am. He was patient and listened to everything I had to say, he didn't criticize me for my stupidity, and he wanted to protect me from what I felt incapable of doing.
One of the silliest things I had anxiety about was going to his house for the first time. I wasn't nervous about meeting his parents or his family, I knew they would be great given the person he was, I was anxious about where I was supposed to park. I know, I know, it's silly, but he didn't treat it that way. He listened while I explained how stupid I felt, he listened while I cried, while I explained I just... couldn't do it alone, while I pleaded with him saying I needed him to be the one parking. I tried to convince him to meet me at some random parking lot so we could go together. We talked about it and I realized I would be being a huge burden if I made him drive all the way to a grocery store parking lot to pick me up, just so I didn't have to park. He convinced me everything would be okay, that no one would be angry at me if I parked in their spot, or parked in an inconvenient spot, and, eventually, I agreed to go by myself.
He didn't coddle me, he didn't let the illogical reasons get in the way of making a logical decision; he helped me by showing me compassion, by understanding, by reminding me my feelings weren't stupid, and by walking me through the situation to reach the best solution. The difference between my past experiences and this one was that Bill was patient and understood the feelings I felt were real and painful.
There have been loads of times throughout our marriage when my anxiety flared up like this, and every time he has been the patient, understanding person he was that day.
One of the hardest things has been dealing with my depression. Depression not only makes me feel numb, it also makes me feel irritated. Like, irrationally irritated. Through my experiences, largely on my mission, I've been able to recognize when I'm being irritated for no reason and when it's reasonable. I hate being irritated for no reason, I lash out and immediately feel bad because I know whoever or whatever takes the brunt of that irritation didn't deserve it. I try extremely hard not to lash out at Bill during those "irritated for no reason" moments because I love him and never want to make him feel like I'm angry at him when I'm not. His patience with me has made me realize, sometimes I just need a few minutes to myself. I need to be patient with myself and work through the emotions, whether that's just crying or taking a few deep breaths. He gives me my space to breathe and comforts me when I just need to cry. He'll wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is okay, asks how he can help, or just let's me cry it out.
Sometimes depression makes me just want to go to bed and sleep. He is always willing to let me nap. Sometimes he'll come in with me and just hug me until I fall asleep, other times he let's me do my thing. He knows my good days and my bad days, but regardless, he supports me. He makes me want to come out of the hole I previously wanted to hide in, and never, ever tells me I should or shouldn't be feeling something. Who he is and his patience makes me want to be better. It makes me want to fight the depression. It makes me want to do things I would normally avoid. It makes me want to stay awake. It makes me want to treat me the way he does.
Bill is constantly helping me be a better person. He's helped me work through anger, frustration, sadness, and, possibly most importantly, he's helped me with my patience. When he calls me out on the bad things I'm doing, I don't feel attacked, I feel the desire to change. When he starts moving a different direction in a conversation I'm extraordinarily passionate about, it helps me realize I'm probably going off and ranting longer than I need. Bill's patience and love for me means we never fight, we discuss and show interest in each other's point of view. Even if there is something we don't agree on, he helps me understand how why he's feeling the way he does without judgement, and I hope I never make him feel I pass judgement on his points of view.
I know I am imperfect. I know I've got so much I need to work on and improve, and Bill helps me accomplish those things. Who he is, is what I need.
Other things that make Bill perfect is just how much and how willing he is to show his love for me. I don't have the worst self esteem, but I'm certainly not immune to feeling inferior because of my looks, weight, shape, etc. There are times when we're watching something and I feel this silly jealousy, knowing that those women are attractive and fit and have a great shape, especially now that I'm so balloon-y being pregnant, but those feelings of jealousy usually quickly leave because Bill constantly tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe he feels that way. Sometimes I'll catch him staring at me and he'll have this adorable grin on his face, when I ask what's up, he'll always tell me how gorgeous I am, how much he loves me, or any combination of those kind of things. I do not doubt for one moment that he loves me.
There are a million more reasons why he is perfect for me. I wish I could go on forever about these amazing experiences and everything I've learned from him, but ultimately it all comes down to things like his incredible patience, love, kindness, and humor.
I am in awe every day that he chose to marry me. I am so grateful for the joy and love he brings me every day. I hope to always be able to express to him just how much I love him and I hope to continue to learn from his amazing example and influence.
Bill is my perfect.
If you missed the previous posts:
Part 1
Part 2
Now that you know the story of us, I can explain fully exactly why my husband is perfect for me. It's more than just "we found each other at the right time in the right place," it's everything about how we met, how we fell apart, how we came back together, and, now, how we live every day knowing there is no one else we would ever want to be with but each other. I don't doubt his love for me, or his dedication to me, nor does he doubt my love for or dedication to him.
I will be the first one to admit I'm full of flaws. Sometimes I get caught up in my flaws and wonder how in the world someone would want to be with me, this crazy, impatient, impulsive person. Combine that with the extreme bouts of depression and anxiety and I feel like I'm the worst. I've experienced people being angry or impatient with me when I'm feeling depressed or anxious, criticizing me for my lack of happiness despite my blessings or telling me it's stupid to feel anxious about something as simple as going to an activity. Their words echo in my mind, collaborating with my own dark thoughts to convince me that I'm worthless, "I have all these things and I can't even be happy about it, I can't even do something as simple as go to a party or celebration - how pathetic." It's not just during the bad times that these words and thoughts conspire against me, after feeling joy and happiness, thoughts like, "You don't deserve this, you're lazy, you're sad too often and a sad excuse for a person..." come though and try to tear away the good.
The worst part is when there are no thoughts at all. The better moments of thoughtlessness, I just sit and stare into the distance, feeling nothing, thinking nothing, just..... being; and while that may seem to be helpful, the moment I snap out of it, I'm reminded of all the time I just wasted. The bad moments I feel my heart racing, face flush, palms sweaty, and I don't know what's happening, my mind is blank but these feelings rush into me and it's when my eyes start welling up with tears that something slaps me out of it and I feel ashamed for crying, I just keep thinking "I just want to go home," over and over.
All of these things debilitate me. It's so difficult to move forward when you feel useless, worthless, empty, and a burden. Before Maebh, before Bill, I had one escape. I was alone, so so alone. I knew people cared about me, I knew they loved me, I knew they wanted to help me, but they would be fine if I was gone, they would be sad and eventually move on with their lives. In my mind no one truly needed me, but even more wretched than that, in my mind, was that if I asked for help I would be a burden, it would inconvenience someone to help me and I desperately wanted to be less of a burden than I thought I already was. The only way I could think of to be less of a burden was to not be at all.
The first step of my healing was thanks to Maebh. I knew she needed me and I needed to be needed, not hypothetically, but literally. I had Kumi, Koc, and Fritz but I knew people would take care of them if I was gone, but Maebh, that would be a huge burden on someone else, especially because she was a puppy. On top of that, I couldn't imagine anyone else taking her, I couldn't know how they, whoever got her in the end, would treat her and she was precious to me [insert Gollum here...]. As I mentioned in my first post, Maebh was my purpose, but just because she was my purpose, it didn't mean that I didn't still feel the negative effects of depression and anxiety, but it did take away my escape. I was strong enough to search for what I wanted most. Queue Bill.
My problems didn't suddenly disappear when Bill came, so I still felt like a damaged person. A damaged person who knew exactly what they wanted and needed. I was determined to do what it took to get Bill; I wanted to be a better person, someone worthy of his love and affection. Despite this, I didn't feel the pressure of being perfect, something I felt in my previous relationships. I was willing to talk about my mistakes, faults, negative experiences. It wasn't easy, but I knew I wanted to help him understand why I was damaged and flawed, why I am the way I am. He was patient and listened to everything I had to say, he didn't criticize me for my stupidity, and he wanted to protect me from what I felt incapable of doing.
One of the silliest things I had anxiety about was going to his house for the first time. I wasn't nervous about meeting his parents or his family, I knew they would be great given the person he was, I was anxious about where I was supposed to park. I know, I know, it's silly, but he didn't treat it that way. He listened while I explained how stupid I felt, he listened while I cried, while I explained I just... couldn't do it alone, while I pleaded with him saying I needed him to be the one parking. I tried to convince him to meet me at some random parking lot so we could go together. We talked about it and I realized I would be being a huge burden if I made him drive all the way to a grocery store parking lot to pick me up, just so I didn't have to park. He convinced me everything would be okay, that no one would be angry at me if I parked in their spot, or parked in an inconvenient spot, and, eventually, I agreed to go by myself.
He didn't coddle me, he didn't let the illogical reasons get in the way of making a logical decision; he helped me by showing me compassion, by understanding, by reminding me my feelings weren't stupid, and by walking me through the situation to reach the best solution. The difference between my past experiences and this one was that Bill was patient and understood the feelings I felt were real and painful.
There have been loads of times throughout our marriage when my anxiety flared up like this, and every time he has been the patient, understanding person he was that day.
One of the hardest things has been dealing with my depression. Depression not only makes me feel numb, it also makes me feel irritated. Like, irrationally irritated. Through my experiences, largely on my mission, I've been able to recognize when I'm being irritated for no reason and when it's reasonable. I hate being irritated for no reason, I lash out and immediately feel bad because I know whoever or whatever takes the brunt of that irritation didn't deserve it. I try extremely hard not to lash out at Bill during those "irritated for no reason" moments because I love him and never want to make him feel like I'm angry at him when I'm not. His patience with me has made me realize, sometimes I just need a few minutes to myself. I need to be patient with myself and work through the emotions, whether that's just crying or taking a few deep breaths. He gives me my space to breathe and comforts me when I just need to cry. He'll wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is okay, asks how he can help, or just let's me cry it out.
Sometimes depression makes me just want to go to bed and sleep. He is always willing to let me nap. Sometimes he'll come in with me and just hug me until I fall asleep, other times he let's me do my thing. He knows my good days and my bad days, but regardless, he supports me. He makes me want to come out of the hole I previously wanted to hide in, and never, ever tells me I should or shouldn't be feeling something. Who he is and his patience makes me want to be better. It makes me want to fight the depression. It makes me want to do things I would normally avoid. It makes me want to stay awake. It makes me want to treat me the way he does.
Bill is constantly helping me be a better person. He's helped me work through anger, frustration, sadness, and, possibly most importantly, he's helped me with my patience. When he calls me out on the bad things I'm doing, I don't feel attacked, I feel the desire to change. When he starts moving a different direction in a conversation I'm extraordinarily passionate about, it helps me realize I'm probably going off and ranting longer than I need. Bill's patience and love for me means we never fight, we discuss and show interest in each other's point of view. Even if there is something we don't agree on, he helps me understand how why he's feeling the way he does without judgement, and I hope I never make him feel I pass judgement on his points of view.
I know I am imperfect. I know I've got so much I need to work on and improve, and Bill helps me accomplish those things. Who he is, is what I need.
Other things that make Bill perfect is just how much and how willing he is to show his love for me. I don't have the worst self esteem, but I'm certainly not immune to feeling inferior because of my looks, weight, shape, etc. There are times when we're watching something and I feel this silly jealousy, knowing that those women are attractive and fit and have a great shape, especially now that I'm so balloon-y being pregnant, but those feelings of jealousy usually quickly leave because Bill constantly tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe he feels that way. Sometimes I'll catch him staring at me and he'll have this adorable grin on his face, when I ask what's up, he'll always tell me how gorgeous I am, how much he loves me, or any combination of those kind of things. I do not doubt for one moment that he loves me.
There are a million more reasons why he is perfect for me. I wish I could go on forever about these amazing experiences and everything I've learned from him, but ultimately it all comes down to things like his incredible patience, love, kindness, and humor.
I am in awe every day that he chose to marry me. I am so grateful for the joy and love he brings me every day. I hope to always be able to express to him just how much I love him and I hope to continue to learn from his amazing example and influence.
Bill is my perfect.
 |
| Proof of perfection |
If you missed the previous posts:
Part 1
Part 2
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